I have not had much time to post lately. Actually, I take that back. I have a lot of time, but not the motivation. Things in my world have been a bit crazy. I usually do not like to speak of my own life. I prefer to comment on things that are larger than my own little part of the world; after all, I am just one person and we live in a world of seven billion people each of whom have seven billion different stories. Well, here is part of mine. In January, my partner of nearly twelve years broke up with me, via text message, after leaving me at a bar with no way to get home. After nearly twelve years, one would think I deserved better than that. Apparently not; at least not according to my ex. It has now been six months since the break up and the repercussions are still being felt. It has me running in circles.
Well, today was the last straw. You see, for the better part of my relationship, I had to take care of everything; bills, insurance, litter boxes, medical appointments, well you get the picture. Sure, helped out, he did laundry and cooked. But on the whole, it seemed to me that I was doing more than him. Well today, I received a text from him about a bank issue that had arisen (which I knew about and was taking care of) but he demanded I drop everything, use more time at work to take care of a problem that he could have and should have taken care of without me. To say I was upset is putting it mildly.
The thing that I have realized since the disillusion of our relationship is even though the relationship ends on a certain date, like it began. It does not actually end there. Sometimes, it takes months or years. I was fortunate, there was no love lost when our partnership ended. We were just going through the motions for years. So the break up was a relief. I was upset that it was over. I was upset because this person was no longer going to be in my life. Unfortunately, because I did not pine for him and beg for him back, he got upset and jealous. He began making disparaging remarks about me on Facebook and broadcasting things that were completely untrue. As tempted as I was to retaliate, and I really wanted to, there was a part of me that kept thinking it would make me seem just as bad as he was. And I refused to do that.
But unfortunately, relationships do not end immediately. Relationships keep going because of what the couple shares. In our case, we had a house we owned together. What really angered me the most is I had to take care of everything. It was left up to me to prepare the house for sale, hire an agent, and do everything else which had to do with selling a house. The one thing the ex did was to move his stuff out of the house and did not even clean his room after. Fortunately, I have amazing friends who pulled together around me and helped me with getting the house ready for sale.
As I write this, the house has never been cleaner, everything I own is packed and waiting to be moved into a new apartment and I was still able to maintain a near 4.0 GPA at school. However, something happened today which made me see just how far I have to go. The man I am dating, made me realize that because I have been going non-stop with work, school and the house for nearly six months, I have forgotten to take care of myself. I have forgotten to take time to find out who I am. As he said, not taking care of me could be more detrimental than the break-up itself. Because I care for this new man a great deal and want him to be in my life, I will do everything within my power to ensure I take care of myself and my baggage so as not to ruin what has been the start of a great friendship and the start of what seems like it could be a great relationship.
Everyone brings baggage to a relationship. I do not care if you are the most well put together man or woman in the world, everyone has it. The problems as I see it are two fold: One, the person tries to hide the baggage from the other party and make believe everything is alright. Two, the baggage is so overwhelming that it ruins or causes problems before things have a chance to start. The problem I am facing is how to handle my baggage from the ex and still develop something with this new man. After all, there are only so many times you can complain to the new person you are dating about your ex. It gets old and frustrating.
The big question then is this: How do I get rid of or handle the baggage from the ex and still be able to move forward? Today was the reality slap I needed. I have had, several anxiety attacks over the past two days, brought on by the insecurities I am left with from the old relationship. He never hit me, he was not physically abusive and I would not call him emotionally abusive; but he did have a way of doing things which left an indelible imprint on my life. In order to shake those imprints, I must not attempt to cleanse my soul of the negativity he imposed upon me. It will be a difficult task indeed, but something that must be done. I realize now that the ex has many issues he needs to deal with and I am no longer responsible for those issues. I am responsible for me. I must take care of me.
I was meant to do something meaningful in my life and I will. I had forgotten many of the pleasures I used to take in life. I enjoy writing and will begin on a daily basis to do the writing which I so much enjoy. In the end though, I have realized relationships never really end. That person will stick with you for a very long time. How long one is able to stay caught in that web depends on the person in question. For me, I have had enough of being tangled stuck. It is time to break free of his web and move on to this wonderful new life I have discovered. Remember, the end is never really the end. But, it can a new beginning.