At 11:30 this morning, my house, which I love dearly, but cannot afford to keep on my income, was officially listed on Capital District MLS and with my real estate agent, Fraida Varah. I am only about two months behind schedule and unfortunately, with the economy still not moving in any real direction, I am not optimistic the house will sell quickly. However, I could be very wrong. When I finally got word from my Realtor the house was listed I became very sad, depressed even. The house had to be sold and I was and am looking forward to moving on. Yet it is just another symbolic step signalling that the end of an era is approaching. Once the house is sold, I will no long have to deal with my ex-partner. Now, that in and of itself is not a bad thing. I really have no desire to see him or to have any dealings with him for a very, very long time. It is my hope, the wounds on both of our sides will with time heal, and one day we may be able to be in the same room together without wanting to gauge his eyes out and disembowel him. But, that remains to be seen.
With the house now listed, the end of a book is about to be written. When it started, I thought it was almost like a gay fairy tale. Now, as the conclusion draws near, it’s more like The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Well, with the exception of the money and the plastic surgery and the Botox and the expensive cars or the pool boys… Well, maybe it wouldn’t be like The Real Housewives after all. Nevertheless, this chapter of my life is coming to a close.
As I pulled up my driveway after work today, I saw the “FOR SALE”. It became real. It became tangible that a dream I had looked forward to my entire life was ending. That’s not to say another book is not being written even as we speak. But, I love my house. As much of a pain as it is to keep up and never knowing when something may go wrong, I love it. I do not have to answer to a landlord. I can paint the rooms any color I want. I can decorate as hideously or tastefully as I saw fit. Usually, the hideous belonged to the ex. When I sell the house and move into an apartment, I will no longer be able to do that. I feel as if part of my freedom is being taken away from me. I feel as though the dreams my parents had dreamed for me are being taken away from them. Now, do not get me wrong, living in a large house by one’s self is not exactly pleasant at times. It gets very lonely. As much as I do enjoy my own company, coming home to a big empty house reminds me of all that I have seemed to have lost. The selling of the house represents the funeral of my past life, which although I am happy to bid adieu to, still leaves me feeling melancholy.
I keep trying to look at the bright side of things. I am dating a fantastic new man. I am in graduate school earning top grades, I have a remarkable family and amazing friends. That’s nothing to sneeze at. Yet, I keep wondering when is my luck going to turn around? When is it my turn? With few exceptions, my friends and family members all have great jobs. They can vacation when and where they want, they can buy things with very little worry. Yet as I stare out the window at the “For Sale” sign, I wonder when that will happen to me. For a brief period of time I had it. For a brief time, I thought the world was mine and nothing could hold me back. Yet, here I am, scared and fearful of a world that, at times, has been cruel and cold to me. I keep hoping for some miracle, some sign that things are going to get better. But, sometimes it is just too hard to keep believing.
Yet, for those who are wondering, I will continue to plow through the challenges that life throws at me. That is what I do. I will continue to go to a job I do not care for. I will continue on with school and aim for the highest grades possible. I will continue to support and love my family and friends and attempt to build something more solid with this wonderful man I am happy to call my boyfriend. What other options are there? I have worked too hard in my life to overcome so much to just throw it all away. I know my time will come. I know there is something better waiting for me if I keep working at it. I know, with all of my heart and soul there is more to what I have right now. I don’t just mean the superficial stuff, I mean the emotional as well.
The house is for sale and really, there is not much I can do except accept it and move forward as I have been taught and done on so many other occasions. For, if I did not, I would be letting not only myself down but those who have stood at my side and supported me for over 38 years. And honestly, that would be the greatest disappointment in my life.