What Dreams May Come

Dreams are one of the aspects of the human mind that baffles scientists.  Just when they think they know what they are, it keeps changing.  People dream about a variety of things; from family and friends to animals and more spiritual levels of a consciousness.  They can be esoteric and leave one feeling lost or they can be straight forward and help someone resolve old issues. Dreams take many forms and occur in ways we are only beginning to understand. People can have a full dream in less than a minute or a dream that takes all night.  It truly is a part of human function which leaves us sometimes wanting more and sometimes scared to death.  But they can be some of the most powerful forces in our lives.  A good dream can change a day and make a person look at life differently. A bad dream can make someone grouchy or scared or timid.  They are a mystery.

In my life I have had dreams which have caused me to wake up from sound sleep screaming and crying.  I have had dreams which have left scratching my head and wondering “What the fuck?”  I have had dreams where people from my past have come back to talk to me and people from the future have appeared to warn me.  As with any person, I have had more dreams than I can remember, yet there are dreams which stick with me and I will recall for as long as I live.  The first dream I can recall occurred when I was about five years old.  I still remember that dream as though it happened just the other night.  It was a nightmare and I woke up the entire house.  Whenever I think of it I still get scared and pray that it doesn’t come true; though I know it can’t.  I have dreamed about the loss of my mother and grandparents.  I have dreamed about winning the lottery.  Yes, I have even dream about dying.

Lately I have been having some very interesting dreams. All have taken place in the present day with people who are in my life currently or within the past year.  The other night I had a dream, which I vaguely remembered, about my boyfriends mother.  It was extremely sad and emotional and left feeling pretty helpless.  Two nights ago I had a dream about my ex, the details were very clear for about 24 hours and now they are fading.  But, the meaning and general themes remain.  It was time to move on.  It was time to put the past behind me, let go and focus on the future.  There were things holding me back and until I was able to break free from what was holding me back, I would not be able to fully move on with my life.  That much I was able to understand.

Today I had a dream about my mother.  Well, it was not about her, but it had her in it.  The dream was brought on by something I did today and the way I was feeling.  It’s been seven months since my ex and I ended our relationship and finally today I decided it was time to do something with my wedding band.  It was custom-made and beautiful, yet I knew I had to get rid of it.  I went to the jeweler where I purchased our rings and sold it back to them.  In all honesty, I was more sad about giving up this gorgeous piece of jeweler than I was about what it may have symbolized. Yet the symbolism was not lost on me.  I returned home and did a few things around the house and decided I was going to take a nap.  The dream I had during the time I was asleep was amazing and put me at peace with several conflicts I had been struggling with lately.

The dream took place in my house, I knew it was my house but somehow it was a bit different, not a lot, but it was darker, colder than it is.  I was hosting some kind of party with my ex, only we were ex’s yet.  During this gathering, it started to snow and people began to leave.  The ones who left were friends who I rarely see or talk to since the break-up.  At one point, my mother appears (this didn’t strike me as odd, even though she has been dead for 22 years).  She told the ex he would have to go shovel since I don’t do a very good job.  I responded and said I do and that I have shoveled every major snow storm we had over the course of the winter.  I thought this a bit strange since it was August, but it’s a dream; what can ya do?  The ex got upset with me and left.  He did not like that I took credit for something he always took credit for.  He did not even say good-bye, he just left.

By this time it was late at night and Mom and I were talking. I was crying to her because all of my friends had left me and so did my husband.  I was left with only my cats and her.  I said to her: “I wish I was 22 again.” She replied in a deadpan way I remember; “I wish I was alive again!”  We both laughed.  I told her how much I missed her and that I just wasn’t sure what to do.  She said, first of all; you don’t want to be 22 again.  You were a wreck at 22.  You were drinking and smoking and spending all your money on alcohol, you had no guidance and making bad decisions.  You do not want to be 22 again.  I told her that life seemed simpler then that I didn’t seem to have the problems I have now.  She looked me in the eyes and said the following:  I am very proud of the man you have become.  You have done remarkable things with your life and turned yourself around.  This is only temporary. You will move on from where you are and accomplish even bigger things.  The friends you had are not the friends you are supposed to be around.  J was not who you are supposed to be with. He was holding you back and I know you see this now.  You are free to do what you want and what you have always wanted to do.

I looked at her, with tears in my eyes.  I knew she was right.  I knew what she was saying were things I already knew.  I knew that J and I were not right for one another.  I knew I wanted more out of the life we had. I want so much more than what I have.  Not talking material things, but adventures and travels which I don’t believe would ever have happened if we were to stay together.  I want to live in different places and explore what all life has to offer.  I knew she was right. I knew deep down, something I had known for a very, very long time; it was not meant to be.  You cannot force something to happen when it is not supposed happen.  It just makes things even worse.  That is what was happening with the ex and I. We were forcing something that was not supposed to be.  We were both miserable.  Finally, she looked at me and said that what I am doing now, where I am going now are places she had always wanted for me.  Life will be tough for a while and I may not like it, but I have to push through and see things to the end.  She said great things will happen, I just have to be patient and keep working hard. At the end of the dream, a car came driving up to my house.  The house no longer felt cold and dark.  It started to brighten and warm up. The car in front of the house was that of my boyfriend.  I looked over at my mom and she smile and disappeared.

When I woke up, I felt peace.  I felt love.  I felt as though a weight had been lifted off of me.  Are things any different now than before?  Nope.  I still have the same problems and issues as before the dream.  Yet I do not feel as overwhelmed and helpless.  I feel as though I have more purpose.  I feel the fire in me that I felt when I started back to school last year at this time, that anything is possible.  There are great things coming to me.  I have worked hard and will continue to work hard. That all of this work will pay off one day.  Finally, I feel as though I can put to rest my past relationship.  It is over.  It is time for a new chapter and new beginnings.  It’s time for me to stop worrying what friends have said or will say and think about me and the people who have stuck by my side.

I am a very spiritual man.  I believe everything happens for a reason.  We do not know what those reasons are but as life and time progress we begin to see things more clearly.  I am now seeing things more clearly than I have in a long time.  My mom has come to me four times since she died 22 years ago. Each time she has come to me, has been a pivotal moment in my life.  This was one of them.  The anxiety and depression I felt before the dream is gone. I can see things a little more clear now.  I have a little more hope.  I feel life again.  I feel ready to share that life with those who are close to me.  I owe many things to my mom.  She helped give me life.  She gave me strength when I was scared.  When she was sick, she comforted me.  Even in death, she continues to help me.  I miss her every day, but I know she is with me. As long as I remember the lessons she taught me and my sister, she will never die.  And once in a while, when I need her the most, she will make herself known to help me, to guide, to point me in the right direction and to help take some of the load off of my shoulders.  If I can pass that on and help someone in the same way, then I am making the difference which she had talked about.

I miss you mom, thank you and I love you.

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